Friday, April 22, 2011


This is a story about a banker who I never met.  My friends and I decided to dub him "Teeth" because of the large smile he displayed so proudly on his Jdate profile along with the abnormal and perhaps overabundance of “chompers” he had in his mouth.  Maybe his ancestors were a pod of whales!  

Being that “Teeth” is a banker boy, he’s “clearly” always hard at work doing “very important things.”  Honestly, I don't know what you people do, but you are always busy!  Nonetheless, “Teeth” seemed like a catch…6’2’’, grew up in Manhattan, attending NY-Jew’s MBA program in the fall and of course the impeccable smile! I would be the envy of my friends… 

There was only one problem, “Teeth” and I could never quite "catch" each other at an opportune moment.  We made plans several times, but for some reason or another, they always got cancelled! I would be showered and dressed and get a text saying that “Teeth” was running an hour late or that he just got called into a meeting last minute.  It wasn’t like I 100% believed this guy, but as an experienced Jdater with nothing to lose, I always a back-up plan, just in case!

Yet, “Teeth” and I always kept in touch and continued the attempt to see each other.  This had been going on for almost a year now (were we unofficially dating?!) when we decided to give it one more shot.  We were finally going out!  We picked a place and we were all set, until, just like clockwork, an hour before our date, he decided to let me in on a little secret.  “Teeth” doesn’t drink!  Not to say that I’m a lush or always need a drink, I mean I’m sober right now, but it was the way he said it, "I don't like to get out of control."  And that my friends, was the “ultimate red flag”…the “icing on the cake!”  There was no way, “Teeth” and I were ever going to meet.  So I texted him...

Me:  Hey "Teeth," I'm not meeting you tonight

Teeth:  Why not?

Me:  I'm tired and I don't really feel like going to a bar so I can drink. To be honest, I don't even feel like drinking and we've been doing this for 8 months, it's kinda lost it's luster. I’m just not that excited anymore…

Teeth:  Are you nuts?!  Why didn't you feel like it lost its luster like an hour ago??  Even I don't cancel 20 mins before a date!  And you don't even have to drink, just have a coke…

Me:  Are you already there?
Teeth:  What, you'll meet me if I'm already there???  No I'm not there!

Me:  Listen, I don't really feel good about standing you up either, so I'm sorry, but I'm still not meeting you. I don’t know if you recall, but there was definitely a few nights that I was all dressed up and ready to go and you left me hanging, so I don't think 20 mins is so bad for a girl whose always on time!

Teeth:  Its not my fault if u get all dolled up an hour before a date! (“Umm, hello, has “Teeth” ever been on a date with a girl?”) And 20 mins is so bad ALWAYS!  If you told me an hour ago I could have made other plans…

Me:  Well I'm just being honest, would you rather me go out and waste your time?  I don't feel guilty that you could have made other plans.  It's the night before Yom Kippur why don't you sit around and think about all the times in the past year you stood me up and realize that karmas a bitch!

**I really hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the ass!**

Lesson Learned: Large smiles can be deceptive and potentially blind you from their true colors

Dave or Bust!

After 2 IM sessions, some facebook stalking and 3 phone conversations it was time to meet my first Jdate prospect, a “tax collector” from New Jersey!   By our last phone conversation, where we shared our love for the Yankees and their successes that season, I was confident that our date would exceed the standards of most first dates. 

We decide to meet at Inoteca, an Italian restaurant not far from my apartment that I really wanted to try.  When I pull up, I was pleasantly surprised that he looks better than his pictures and greet him with a hug "hello."  As I was about to step foot into the restaurant, he turns to me and says, "Actually, I thought we might grab a drink in Bryant Park instead?" Wow, total fake out!  I was pretty disappointed and should’ve spotted the “red flag,” but I decide to give him a second chance.  I take his arm and walk away from the restaurant, keeping my spirits high on what the night had yet to offer!

While the disappointment about the restaurant was still subsiding, my date takes me begrudgingly into the subway station.  If you know me (which he doesn’t), you know that I am not a huge fan of underground trains, especially not on a date!

Eventually, we make it to Grand Central Station in one piece and begin our journey to Bryant Park.  Upon reaching our destination, yet another disappointment, the bar in Bryant Park was closed!  At this point I’m tired, hungry and could really use a drink!  I take a deep breath and express these concerns politely to my date.  Of all places, the “tax collector” decides that we should go to Dave and Busters, a bar/arcade in the heart of Time Square.  This date was starting to feel like a never-ending tour bus around Manhattan!

At Dave and Busters, the place is a mob scene!  We sit down at the bar and glance at the TV screen to check the score of the Yankee game, it was the final game before the World Series.   The bartender comes by and I ask for a Bud Lite, my staple beer of choice…and the “tax collector” says, “I’ll have a water.”

Ohhh “tax collector,” are you kidding me?!  At this point, I could not wait to go home!  What did I get myself into?  Going on dates with strangers, who say they are going to take you to dinner and then drag you around the city and order water at the bar?  I must be nuts!

What other tricks did this guy have up his sleeve?  I couldn’t wait to find out!  He says, "I'll make you a deal, let's play a game.  If I win, we play another game, if you win, we can watch the Yankee game."

We head over to the basketball shootout.  I throw my first ball and my date knocks it away.  I throw again, and yep, sure enough, he knocks it away again.  So it looks like the “tax collector” has an ego problem as well!

We make our way over to the horse racing and I’m sure you can guess what happened next?!  Onto Guitar Hero, beat again!  The only decent thing the “tax collector” did all evening is win me a teddy bear!

We left shortly after and I was freakin starving!  My date mentions something about dinner on the Upper West Side..."no wait, not tonight, maybe Saturday night?"  At this point, I have had it.  I turn to the “tax collector,” and say, "you see that cab right there, I'm getting in it!" 

I went home, heated up something frozen from Trader Joe's and watched the Yankees make it to the World Series.  I never heard from the “tax collector” again and hope that you never encounter him either!

Lesson Learned:  Tax collectors do not have souls


For the past 2 years, I have been in an on-again, off-again relationship with Jdate.  I have been summoned by over 1,000 Jewish men and sometimes women, from as far off as Israel and as close as my Manhattan apartment building.  Every age, profession and height!  They are all members of the tribe and they all celebrate the same holidays, for the most part, but despite that “single” commonality, I have come to the conclusion that everyone has their own set of indescribable quirks, issues and unique personality traits.  This blog will be a documentation of anecdotes from my Jdating debacles.  Enjoy!