Friday, April 22, 2011


This is a story about a banker who I never met.  My friends and I decided to dub him "Teeth" because of the large smile he displayed so proudly on his Jdate profile along with the abnormal and perhaps overabundance of “chompers” he had in his mouth.  Maybe his ancestors were a pod of whales!  

Being that “Teeth” is a banker boy, he’s “clearly” always hard at work doing “very important things.”  Honestly, I don't know what you people do, but you are always busy!  Nonetheless, “Teeth” seemed like a catch…6’2’’, grew up in Manhattan, attending NY-Jew’s MBA program in the fall and of course the impeccable smile! I would be the envy of my friends… 

There was only one problem, “Teeth” and I could never quite "catch" each other at an opportune moment.  We made plans several times, but for some reason or another, they always got cancelled! I would be showered and dressed and get a text saying that “Teeth” was running an hour late or that he just got called into a meeting last minute.  It wasn’t like I 100% believed this guy, but as an experienced Jdater with nothing to lose, I always a back-up plan, just in case!

Yet, “Teeth” and I always kept in touch and continued the attempt to see each other.  This had been going on for almost a year now (were we unofficially dating?!) when we decided to give it one more shot.  We were finally going out!  We picked a place and we were all set, until, just like clockwork, an hour before our date, he decided to let me in on a little secret.  “Teeth” doesn’t drink!  Not to say that I’m a lush or always need a drink, I mean I’m sober right now, but it was the way he said it, "I don't like to get out of control."  And that my friends, was the “ultimate red flag”…the “icing on the cake!”  There was no way, “Teeth” and I were ever going to meet.  So I texted him...

Me:  Hey "Teeth," I'm not meeting you tonight

Teeth:  Why not?

Me:  I'm tired and I don't really feel like going to a bar so I can drink. To be honest, I don't even feel like drinking and we've been doing this for 8 months, it's kinda lost it's luster. I’m just not that excited anymore…

Teeth:  Are you nuts?!  Why didn't you feel like it lost its luster like an hour ago??  Even I don't cancel 20 mins before a date!  And you don't even have to drink, just have a coke…

Me:  Are you already there?
Teeth:  What, you'll meet me if I'm already there???  No I'm not there!

Me:  Listen, I don't really feel good about standing you up either, so I'm sorry, but I'm still not meeting you. I don’t know if you recall, but there was definitely a few nights that I was all dressed up and ready to go and you left me hanging, so I don't think 20 mins is so bad for a girl whose always on time!

Teeth:  Its not my fault if u get all dolled up an hour before a date! (“Umm, hello, has “Teeth” ever been on a date with a girl?”) And 20 mins is so bad ALWAYS!  If you told me an hour ago I could have made other plans…

Me:  Well I'm just being honest, would you rather me go out and waste your time?  I don't feel guilty that you could have made other plans.  It's the night before Yom Kippur why don't you sit around and think about all the times in the past year you stood me up and realize that karmas a bitch!

**I really hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the ass!**

Lesson Learned: Large smiles can be deceptive and potentially blind you from their true colors

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